FEBRUARY - black is beautiful

“what happens to the black body affects all bodies. —ARISE, contemplation on the 5 mindfulness trainings 

dear friends, dear community,

welcome back those who have been with me and welcome new friends who recently joined this community. welcome home🏡. aware that your process is unique to you, here, i intimately share with you glimpses of my healing process💝 it may or may not support your process. i also offer opportunities for you to enter / deepen / explore / engage with your process🌱. 

according to the calendar, we are in black history month in US & Canada. what does that mean to you / for you? i am reminded of the struggles, how far we have come as well as our unharnessed possibilities. 

“we are pow­er­ful because we have sur­vived, and that is what it is all about- sur­vival and growth. —Audre Lorde

i came across an IG post from @yabablay that talks about black hair and her sharing resonated with me and reminded me of a sangha’s 5 mindfulness trainings sharing i did on this topic in terms of reverence for life. 

what’s the big deal about hair, especially in a spiritual context and reverence for life and these chaotic times? aren’t we supposed to transcend hair and this physical body? yes and… during a dharma talk, Thay reminded us that it’s living deeply in the historical / conventional dimension, we get to the ultimate dimension. living deeply in our context.

during the talk, Thay drew two parallel horizontal lines 

the top line represented the conventional dimension.

the bottom line represented the ultimate dimension. 

then he connected the end of the convention with the beginning of the ultimate dimension to make a Z. 

he jokingly called this representation Z for zorro

i didn’t quite understand this concept at the time of the talk as i was disconnected from my context and i didn’t know it. the seeds were planted and they sprouted during these chaotic times.

the chaos and conflicts that we see in the world started as a seed. it's my attempt to go to the root.

“we usually think of violence and war as an act or event with a definite beginning and a definite end. but when we look into the true nature of war, we see that, whether war breaks out or not, the seeds of war are already here. we do not have to wait until war is officially declared to recognize its presence. when the opposing armies have left the battlefield and gone home, it seems that war no longer exists, but that may not really be true. the war may still be there. although the fighting has ended, hatred and fear are still there in the hearts and minds of the soldiers and the soldiers’ fellow citizens. the war is there, yes, and if we look around we will recognize its many faces: religious intolerance, ethnic hatred, child neglect, racial discrimination, and exploitation of the world’s resources. but we also know that the seeds of peace, understanding, and love are there and that they will grow if we cultivate them.—Thich Nhat Hanh, creating true peace

in light of black history and the harm that was done to black bodies, black psyche, i would like to share about my relationship to my hair and how it has become a spiritual practice. how i have been moving from self-hate ----------> more self-acceptance. self-hate may be a strong word... maybe “self-loathing” or "dislike" or “aversion” are less strong.

when i started on my spiritual path, i didn’t think that the way i related to my hair was linked to reverence for life…showing respect for the life that was given to me by my ancestors and the earth. it seemed that subtle forms of dislike of my hair (too thin, not long enough, too difficult to manage, etc.) and wanting straight hair was a form of kill-life, internal war. over the years, if you were to ask me if i love myself, i would say ‘yes, i love myself’. self-loathing seemed to be an unconscious program running in the background that was normalized - especially in a world that seems to thrives on fear and hate.

ancestral hair

over time, i have come to see how the mindfulness trainings (in this case reverence for life) were a mirror of reflection, helping me to see various aspects of myself and how rejecting / not wanting my hair is a form of violence towards myself. 

“our mind and body is a garden itself. to know what is planted there, what grows there, is the key to our sustainability and the deepening of our spirituality” —Larry Ward

let me share a bit of context. as a child, i didn't like my hair. it was painful when it was combed as i have sensitive scalp. it seemed to be a problem for my caregivers to comb it. female bodied adults in my family had their hair straightened or jerry curled. early images of beauty, success and happiness had femme bodied with their hair straight or wavy. 

i unconsciously wanted that. i internalized "straight hair was better, easier," etc. this seemed to be coming down the generation line to me… from centuries of hatred towards black hair and having to wear our hair a certain way for it to be accepted by white people. things have changed as some white people try to wear their hair like ours but the internalization is still there in me...untouched. 

“the greatest weapon in the hand of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. —Steve Biko

at maybe 12 years old, i straightened my hair behind the back of my caregivers. i remember very clearly that day i did it. i was determined and no one could stop me.

as life carried on… i wore braids, weaves, permed hair. it didn't help that the fast pace of modern life didn't leave time to care for my natural hair. natural black hair care information and salons were not as available as now.

i even dated outside my race as an unconscious strategy to have good hair babies. again, during those times if you were to asked me if i loved myself. i would confidently say i do. remember my sharing about denial?

“as we come awake to the interconnected oppression in the world, we must confront the parts of ourselves that are in a hidden alliance with the systems that seek to destroy us. —Cole Arthur Riley

after a year or so of coming to this practice, the subtle war between me and my hair started to change. i started to desire my natural hair and was afraid & worried whether or not i would be beautiful and whether or not,  i could wear my natural hair in my corporate job. i put in sisterlocks which was a safer choice as it didn't look too "rugged" / "wild".

5 years later i ordained and my hair was shaved.

when i left monastic life behind, i thought that i would keep shaving my hair as i came to appreciate the low maintenance nature of a bald head. i heard a clear gentle no within saying that i will grow and care for my natural hair. it will be a part of my journey of coming home to myself. a bit more context, both my parents are rastas so the seeds for natural hair were already there - sleeping.

historically in Cameroonian society unkept hair was seen as a sign of madness. over the centuries Cameroonian women developed intricate and ornate ways to style their hair often incorporating frameworks made from various materials including porcupine spikes. —@in.hair.itance

the past 2 years has been a homecoming to my hair, to myself. i have been learning about the natural texture of my hair (i have 4c hair), how it behaves with and without moisture, researching black hair care as well as learning hair care routines from other naturalistas out there. it has been a process. my hair care has become my meditation and ancestral ritual.  sometimes images of my ancestors caring for their hair or playing in my hair emerge. sometimes, i imagine them washing, oiling, parting, twisting, plaiting, and cornrowing their hair for centuries and now i continue their rituals. this is their hair that was gifted to me.  i have also extended this hair care 💝 to a couple folks in my community.  it brings so much joy when i get to do their hair and it reminds me that this is how we built community in the past.

receiving care and offering care

from time to time, the old programming comes back through a wish that it's easier to care for my hair. especially when i am caught in urgency and busyness. this is a bell of mindfulness that i am in a process and healing have a circular and spiral nature. it doesn't mean that i have fallen out of love with my hair. this is normal. i continue my hair care ritual during these times just like any meditative practices i do. i don't give up as i know that things will come back around and it usually does. i can also use this time to understand the inner workings of self-loathing and internalized oppression.

my hair care is a part of my healing, liberation, decolonization and activism work. it’s reclaiming my black inheritance. 

“the revolution is within. —Cole Arthur Riley

my hair care ritual gives my hair love and respect thus reconciling with myself and ancestors. i make time to connect with my ancestors this way and seeing that it is a privilege to receive this gift. black hair is unique and beautiful. no other culture has hair like ours. in addition to ancestral connection, love and respect, my hair care ritual allows me to cultivate patience, slowing down, gentleness, deep listening & seeing and i get to reclaim ideas of beauty.

children & hair

the children at the local basic school helped me to see the importance of embodying this hair love and respect. the children often touch and play with my hair. some would tell me that my hair is beautiful or they like my beads. it opens up conversations around their beautiful hair too and who combed it and the clips, bubbles and beads they wear. i hope that good seeds are planted from our conversations as well as seeing a relatively happy adult with natural hair.

“do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world. —Desmond Tutu

in recent times, a few children told me that their mommies bought them dolls. knowing that white dolls are a thing in Jamaica, i asked whether they got a white or black doll. they all said white. i asked them to ask their mommy to buy them a beautiful black doll like them (it’s perfectly ok to interfere in people’s lives like this in Jamaica 🙂). a little girl reported back that her mommy got her a black doll. i asked if the doll was beautiful as her and she said yes. this was very happy news for me. this is my activism work in interrupting internalized anti-blackness and self-loathing from a young age. the second step is getting black dolls with actually black hair. i actually got a lovely dark skinned black doll with 4c black hair online that i will show the children and of course down the line, it’s my intention to offer these dolls to them as someone pointed out that they are going to want my doll 🙂.  

over the years: from no hair to hair

it has been a journey and the journey continues! sometimes i don't understand why i didn't like my hair before. it isn’t so bad. there is some grief for those lost years. i'm grateful that i get to come home to my hair and enjoy it at this stage as the next stage is starting with few gray hairs in sight👀.

wow, this sharing turns out to be another novel. 

if you have gotten this far, thanks for your interest in my process. we all have our own unique process unfolding in each moment. i hope conditions allow for you to harness it and share it with the world. some of you have written back to share and i appreciate this, thank you,🙏🏾💝.

it's my intention to share the truth of this existence and i acknowledge that this may be a sensitive topic for some. i apologize for any unskillfulness. please take good care. maybe there is a calling underneath the sensitivity. wherever we are on our journey is perfectly ok. 

with love and care💝,

Kenyatta A

NOTES
Thich Nhat Hanh (a.k.a. Thay)

sangha means community

CREDITS

featured image by Benjamin Romero from corelens
ancestral images: @in.hair.itance
video: @yabablay & @the.root

COMMUNITY UPDATES

• i forgot to share last month that 2 individuals were able to receive support thanks to the healing scholarship fund.

• the land we were hoping to get for the wellness centre fell through🥹. it was heartbreaking and great learning. with that door closed, another soon opened as we made contact with one of UMOJA team’s cousin who may be able to help us find a new land. we continue our fundraising efforts until we find a new land.

•  unstillness miscarriage: in pregnancy sometimes there are miscarriages. it's apart of moving through and with life. we did not receive the minimum participants as we would have liked so we decided to not move forward with cohort 2. unstillness was birthed from a need and that need has been met. due to requests for another cohort, we decided to offer unstillness again. it seems that conditions are not sufficient and the universe is moving me in another direction, therefore unstillness is now laid to rest. the next opportunity for deeper practice is slowly emerging, we will share it with the community soon. 

• i started receiving ethno integrated mental health mentorship and guidance from Shobha R at EWB. more about Shobha in coming months.

• whatever is unfolding here is still fairly young and is guided & supported by the creator, ancestors, earth. i am not alone. we are not alone. we continue with faith and trust.